“Dear Amaka, I’m married with a child. My child is my world, I love him so much. The problem is my wife’s family is always calling for one need or another. After my wedding, I helped my wife’s brother through school. Months after NYSC without job, his family reached out to me to help him. I sent him to manage one of my businesses. He ran it to the ground but since he was barely three months old there, I exonerated him of any wrongdoing.
“I was advised strongly by friends to keep in-laws far from my businesses. So, I gave him start up capital for a business he claimed to be passionate about. I raised a substantial amount of money for him. I put every other projects I had on hold just to raise enough funds for him to start. Less than a year later, the business crumbled.
“Recently, my wife started insinuating something in regards to helping her brother again. I refused to get dragged into that conversation because I’m in a financial mess as well. I’m still very angry that her brother blew N1.2million under one year. When I asked for explanations, she posed questions that suggested I was disrespectful; she even asked what it is I did for her family that other men didn’t do for their wives’ family?
“This is someone whose parents I have kept on monthly allowance of N30,000, built them a house in the village, saw her only brother through school and gave him start up capital, yet she’s asking what exactly I have done for her family.
She recently started to subtly threaten to run away with my son if I don’t help her family. I reported to her parents, they just told me to handle it like a man. I have tried to give her insights into my own financial woes, but she doesn’t believe me. She is always nagging and grumpy. There’s no peace in my home any longer and it is taking a toll on me.” Above sent to me via email. Now, my take on this.
Dear parents, marriage is not a poverty alleviation programme, neither are your sons-in-law your retirement benefits. It is unfortunate that most families in Nigeria see marriage as their biggest achievement. Many families and young women see marriage as their only way out of poverty. It is the reason some people give birth to children they can’t cater for.
When your daughters get married, allow your sons-in-law some breathing space. Don’t always go cap in hand begging, that is how you lose respect, exposing your family and daughters to ridicule and the spirit of ‘see finish.’
Dear wives, do not expose your husbands to unnecessary pressure from your family. Caution your family members, fight them if need be. Let none of them ever go to your husband with any financial demand except through you. Such demands must be properly vetted. Learn to tell them no when the answer is no. Have some respect for yourself.
Dear sons-in-law, do not lose yourself because you got married. Once the demands start to get out of hand, and you are not the type to say no, call your account manager, liaise with your bank, every bulk money given to your in-laws is a loan, you are merely a guarantor, let your account officer recover the loan. They should also bring collateral, no matter how little. You need to stop some entitled in-laws from taking advantage of your kindness.
If putting your wife in the know of your financial status is giving her the impression that you have so much money to cater for all her family’s needs, kindly start withholding some financial information from her for your own good.
In our local parlance, ‘No go do pass yourself’. Some wives and in-laws are shameless, insensitive and very much entitled. Handle them cautiously.
Neediness in whatever guise is a turn off. Stop giving your family the impression that your husband is a father Christmas. Let them call you names, but do your best not to expose him to exploitative relatives. If she threatens to leave with the kids, let her go ahead, don’t fall for such cheap blackmail. Nobody should blackmail you using your own children. You have done your best for your wife’s family and would have done more, but you are also in a place you need love and understanding to stand on your feet again financially and you cannot do that carrying more liabilities. Continue to put yourself first going forward, when your financial condition improves help them through your bank, it will keep everyone involved in check.
RE: Men, what do you expect your woman to do when you are behaving badly in public?
Things we do that means so much to family. It is absolutely disrespectful to call one’s partner’s bluff in public. I wish more men have access to your write ups. Your truth always hit home.
-Benson, Lagos
How come you know much about things the average men and women overlook? The workings of your mind always blow me away with each of your topics. We must all learn to not talk down on our partners in public. When misbehaving, once your partner intervenes it is wisdom to listen to them.
–Via email
What do you expect from men who marry for control? Control freaks don’t listen, they have complete disregard for their spouses, so disrespecting them in public is nothing to them.
–Chinedu, Umuahia
Source: www.sunnewsonline.com
